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4th January 2005
hahaha oh what a night....or weekend
Yeah so, that "end of friendship" with Ryan and Daniel, definitely only lasted a day. New Year's Eve, afternoon, we were all better. I got ready in my incredible New Year's outfit and went over to the boy's apartment while they were finishing getting ready themselves. April brought over 12 rolls, oh my god, and I ate one to start the night, Ryan ate one, Daniel ate two and John snorted one and ate like two....crazy. So off we were to go to Play, the car ride there was probably the shortest ride ever, we were all singing at the top of our lungs and dancing and laughing so much....our rolls were kickin in, haha. Play was so incredibly packed, it was hard to walk...we hadn't even been there for more than an hour when Ryan and I went into the bathroom to eat, yet another roll. I don't really remember much of Play but bits and pieces however, we ALL seem to remember the queen that was talking to me and telling me that I looked like a super model and offered me champaign and was talking to me for awhile and then asked me if I was a fag hag...Ryan was quick to say "she is a FAG HAG" and then this queen of a guy said "is she a fag hag or a fag magnet?" and then Ryan and Daniel said "fag MAGNET" and the queen looked at me and said, "well, which is it?" to which I then responded, "well, honey, YOU talked to ME first"....of course he LOVED that answer. haha. So Ryan wanted to ditch us for a little while and hook up with this guy, who he could've done so much better, anyway, Daniel, John, Ryan, and I all went back to the apartment so that Ryan and Daniel could change and then Ryan went to that guy's house and the 3 of us went to excess.......I took my 3rd roll on the way there..wow I was fucked. Excess was not that cute at all, although, I didn't have to pay to get in which was kind of nice. We had only been there for about 10 minutes when Ryan's little car pulled up and he had a not so good look on his face, that boy stood him up, haha that's what you get for leaving your best friends on New Year's. just kidding. I wound up getting sick at the club because I had eaten too many rolls in too little of time and I had a bad headache. The rest of them all danced for hours....I wasn't around because I was stuck in a chair because every time I stood up I felt like I was going to vomit. The next night we all got stupid stoned and I swear John and me almost wet the bed we were laughing so hard...sleeping in the "cloud sandwich"..my goodness what a night that was. We smoked 8 and a half bowls of the dankest weed ever, it was great. The next day we all woke up and smoked again and watched a half ass movie and then Ryan and I were off to run errands. Of course Ryan and I smoked the last bowl without John and Daniel since they decided to stay and sleep. We got the furniture for their apartment from Ryan's parents house and when we got back...ugh, Jason called and we got two rolls, to which we crushed up and snorted between the four of us. Well that wasn't good enough for Daniel so he got another one and we each got one line...THEN we went to walmart to get some toys and Ryan and John got this WAWA shit, and we inhaled that stuff and smoked resin hits...I got no sleep. Had to go to work the next day and cried my way out of it, and now here I am well rested and doing fine, can't wait to get off though!!
30th December 2004
So last night was pretty much the end of my friendship with Ryan and Daniel. It first started out with Ryan calling me and telling me that there wasn't enough room in the bedroom for the two of us to live there, "ok, I understand" is what I said. It hurt my feelings a little bit but I was also kind of relieved. So that was that and he asked me to come over anyway to see the new apartment and to hang out. I got my stuff together to stay the night and I called them and let them know I was on my way. When I got to Antioch, I was not even 5 minutes away from the apartment when Daniel called me and told me they had left to go get something to eat. I asked him why they had left when they knew I was on the way, and his response was "because we didn't know how close you were".....what an asshole, they were closer to the apartment than I was, they passed me and as they were passing me Daniel has the nerve to say "Meagan, there you are" to which I responded "I fucking know!" so he hung up on me. BIG mistake. I went to the gas station to fill up and I started to head home, you don't fucking hang up on me and expect me to act like it was nothing. Ryan called me and asked me if I was alright and I told him I was fine and then he asked if I was coming over and I told him no that I was going home. He then started yelling at me and we kind of got into it, and then he said "We're all going to Play tonight, do you want to go" "I have to work at 8:30 in the morning, Ryan, I CAN'T go" So then we yelled some more and he got off the phone with me. Well I haven't talked to either of them since then, but I talked to Tommy this morning who was just leaving "our" apartment, or rather THEIR apartment, and Tommy told me that they all rolled. GET A FUCKIN LIFE ALREADY, YOU MAKE ME HATE THE FUCKIN DRUG WHEN I USED TO LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! ok, now that that's out... I'm so through, I hope they have a happy new year's because they will be spending it WITHOUT me.
28th December 2004
So it's now three days until New Year's Eve and I can hardly wait. Christmas was ok, better than what i expected. I'm really worried about Ryan, I think that he is a little out of control and the worst part about it is that he does not see a problem. I don't know how to help him because he doesn't think that he needs help and all of his other friends instead of guiding him, tell him exactly what he wants to hear and does the shit with him. SO STUPID!! My job sucks so bad, the hours are so long and it seems like the day is never going to end. I'm glad that it is only temporary but on the other hand I'm nervous to find out what my next assignment will be. I'm beginning to second guess my decision of moving into the apartment with Daniel, John, and Ryan, simply for the reason that John and Ryan are a little out of control right now. Ryan is so easily persuaded and John doesn't have a job so he has no life and doesn't mind getting fucked up all the time, in which he wants Ryan to do so with him. What a friend he is...so I'm stuck with a delima. I'm anxious to get paid this week because I have been broke for a few days now and it really really sucks balls. Walker and the bitch got back together, I wish he would realize what a dumbass he is and what a cunt she is. I definitely don't want Walker back, but I sure as hell don't want Victoria to have him, she doesn't deserve him in the least. Shane called me yesterday morning at 5 a.m., I wonder what for....he never returned my call back. Alissa told Tommy that she didn't want him hanging out with me or my friends anymore because he is a bad influence??..like she has room to talk after her wild 4 day weekend last week. I so wish this day was over....Ryan met me for lunch today, of course he didn't eat because he was coming down off of drugs...real nice, he was very stand offish and really wasn't Ryan today. I asked him why and he just said that it wasn't me it was just him. I don't know what was wrong with him though, because he normally doesn't get that way. I wish he didn't make such stupid decisions.....because he makes them to frequently these days and I really do not want to sit back and watch my best friend self destruct himself. OH what to do, what to do......it's so damn frustrating being friends with wild crazy drug head gay boys!!
22nd December 2004
So, here I am, another day at work...it's only my third day and already I'm bored with it. The only thing that is keeping me here is the voice in my head that says "ten dollars an hour, ten dollars an hour" because when you are working like 8.5 to 9 hours a day...that adds up...I don't do much at all, I sit at my own desk, in my own office, and I play on the computer, chat online, listen to music, answer the phone occasionally, and sort mail once a day between three people.....NOT at ALL hard. :
Ryan and Daniel were approved for the apartment last night and so we are squared away to move in. Ryan wants to move in on the 29th but I can't until I have a weekend, since I work during the week. Ryan lost his job last night, they are letting him finish out the holiday season though, but he is really upset because it was a good job. He called me crying and I felt so bad for him. I know it's going to be so much fun living with my best friend, and sharing a room with him, but last night he brought to my attention the issue of bringing guys home, and he basically told me "I'm a single male and if I want to bring a boy home with me to MY apartment, then I'm going to" I think I was more jealous than I was mad. I don't want a stupid crush of mine be the death of my friendship with Ryan. I love him more than I have ever loved a friend and I don't want to lose him. I'm working on it every day though, it just takes a little bit of time.
I am so wicked excited about New Year's, I can hardly wait. Christmas doesn't even seem like it's only 3 days away, but it is. Probably because I live with my dad and he doesn't decorate for Christmas, he doesn't buy a tree, and he can't afford Christmas presents for any of us. I don't really go over to my mother's house often because my step dad has made things so awkward for me and my friends and I'm usually with at least one of them. I hope things will be good at the apartment, I hope Daniel and John don't fight all the time, and I hope Daniel doesn't get trashed and try to get with Ryan, and I hope that I don't get trashed and try to get with any of them, because that will just make things CRAZY....but I'm not saying that it's not a possibility.
So, I can't wait to get my first check from here, I really need it right now. I have to pay my car note, buy Christmas presents, and put some money in the bank. I'm thinking that the next couple of pay checks are going to be put toward decorations and such for our new apartment. I'm so bored here at work, but that kind of stuff gives me something to look forward to......OH and with that first check, I do believe I will be buying a FABULOUS outfit for NEW YEAR'S.....UM, may be two!
Time to get back to work......that is popping a cd in to the cd drive and listening to some music while I look up random things on the computer...."ten dollars an hour, ten dollars an hour."
21st December 2004
Oh where to begin....
So, it's been an extremely long time since I have last written in the journal. I can not even begin to catch up all that has happened in the past several months. This summer has been such an experience for me, I have realized who my true friends are in so many different ways. I worked at Demos' for a while this summer before I got involved with one of my co-workers, who was also involved with every other girl there. He got another girl pregnant before we were dating and didn't find out until after we had been sleeping together for a while and so my heart was broken. I have probably smoked more pot this summer than most people have ever seen, partly because this summer I went through a long period of depression. My step father and I had a huge fight which ended with him kicking me out of the house....because I have gay friends, how ridiculous. What he doesn't realize is that, although my friends have introduced me to a lot of things that I had never known of....they have helped me grow and have molded me into the person I am right now. I love my friends so dearly and I only wish I could find someone to be connected with the way I am with my friends. I swear Ryan is my soul mate. He and I are so much alike that sometimes it's as if we are the same person. The thought of loosing him scares me so much because he is my best friend and I depend on him so much every day. Here shortly Daniel, John, Ryan, and me are going to move into a 3 bedroom apartment....guess who is sharing a room..um, me and Ryan. This ought to be interesting. I have to admit that I am a bit worried about all of us living together simply for the fact that we all have such an impact on one another since we are so close. We have been doing drugs together for a while here recently and it's not like we do it once a month or once a week.....it's like 2, 3, 4, and 5 times a week. We are killing ourselves and we are turning into people that we do not want to be. The other night while Ryan and I were rolling...we kissed, and not like it's a big deal for me to make out with a gay boy, because everyone knows how the gay boys are with me, but this was unlike any kiss I have ever had with ANYone. And I have trapped that image of Ryan in my head, the way I viewed him while I was rolling, and now I can't get him out of my head. I hate thinking of my best friend that way and I'm trying so hard to get over it. I get jealous over stupid things, but so does he, and we fight over stupid things the way a couple does. It really is kind of silly, but that's us I guess. And I think the reason I feel this way is because I long to find someone that I can share an intellectual conversation with. Someone open minded who understands the way I think and why I view some things the way that I do....may be it's the drugs that has made me this way. I feel like drugs open peoples' minds in a way that only other people that do drugs would understand....I don't know, may be it's just a phase in my life that I'm going through, but I'm so glad that I have the BEST friends in the world to go through it with...
24th May 2004
I just finished watching "the devine secrets of the yaya sisterhood" and as I was watching this movie I was reminded of my childhood. I went through a lot of shit. A lot of shit that not too many people know about. No one ever really talked about the things that happened in my family...it was as if every thing was expected to be forgotten. Thinking back, I realize, those things aren't forgotten, and it still hurts. I do have a lot of good memories of my mother from my childhood; memories that when I think about them every thing that is inside of me wants to rush into my mother's arms as if I were a five year old girl again and cry to her and I don't want to have to tell her why I'm crying I just want her to hold me and tell me that no matter what I do, no matter where I'm at, she will always be there for me and will always love me for every thing that I am.
23rd May 2004
So I've started my job at Demos' and I love it. It's coming very naturally to me and it's so nice when you get 10.00 tips!! I've already gotten a little crush on one of the boys that works there too, so we'll see how that goes. :
Last night Blake and Mikael came to Mt. Juliet with me so I could get ready for the club.....not that my step dad was being a selfish, childish, ignorant, homophobic prick and told me that he was leaving the house if I was bringing my friends over for ONLY AN HOUR. So when I got home I went straight to my room, grabbed my things, and got back into my car to go over to my dad's to get ready, where my friends were welcome. I had to WAKE my poor father up to let me in the house, and I felt so bad because he has to wake up at 3 in the morning every day to go to work. I apologized to him and being the amazing father that he is, he didn't mind. He actually thought it was awful what my step dad said to me. After I got ready and put on this WICKED HOT shirt of my sister's, we left and went to the club....and smoked a bowl on the way. I had one drink on the way and I didn't really drink anything the whole night until about 2:15 or so. I downed an entire glass of a purple hooter shooter...not just a shot of it, an entire glass, all at once and then drank some coke really fast to cover the taste of the alcohol, because I still have a weak stomach to it. After that I had another purple hooter shooter, just one shot, and I almost threw up half way through my drink, so I had to drink a bunch of coke and then hold my nose to drink the rest. Anyway, it got me pretty toasted since I haven't drank in a long time. After the club we smoke like two bowls....that was nice! And my sister called me to meet her and her boyfriend at Kiss so my other sister, Mikael, and me waited for a little while and they still hadn't showed up so we told them we were just going back to murfreesboro. I had to pee in the parking lot and I was so drunk that Mikael had to button my pants and buckle my belt for me....I was just laughing the whole time. I crashed in the car on the ride and then went straight to bed when we got to Mikael's. At least I didn't throw up this time!!
I talked to my mother today about my step father's behavior last night and it just turned into a very heated conversation.....I haven't talked to him at all today, and I don't care to until he not only apologizes to me, but also apologizes to my friends.
18th May 2004
what a surprise!
After a good conversation with one of my best friends about making money and getting every thing back on track and succeeding in life...and after we talked about my new job at demos' and how i'll be making good money..i received a phone call, from Charlotte Russe. Seems that they are short staffed right now and want me to come in for my second interview (since i've already been interviewed there but they were over staffed at the time). The hiring manager told me that she definitely wanted me to come in tomorrow after my training at demos' because she was a big fan of mine and she wants me to be apart of their team. I told her that since i found a job that i could only work part time and she was like "great." Guess we'll just see what happens!! I just had to share that bit of information! yay for me!...now if only this acting coach lady would call me back.....
ocean avenue lyrics....reminds me of last summer.
There's a place off Ocean Avenue :
Where I used to sit and talk with you
We were both 16
And it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night
There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street
We would walk on the beach in our bare feet
We were both 18
And it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night
If I could find you now
Things would get better
We would leave this town
And run forever
Let your waves crash down on me
And take me away, yea
Theres a piece of you that's here with me
Its everywhere I go
It's everything I see
When I sleep
I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight
If I could find you now
Things would get better
We would leave this town
And run forever
I know some where, some how
We'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me
And take me away, yea
I remember that look in your eyes
When I told you this was good bye
You were begging me not tonight
When looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
We'll be together for one more night
If I could find you now
Things would get better
We would leave this town
And run forever
I know some where, some how
We'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me
And take me away, yea
Ok so I'm obsessed with the song right now! Here's what's going on in my life right now, I got a job!! YAY, at Demos' and I start on the floor this Friday. I'm kind of nervous about it but I know that once I get the hang of it I'll make really good money there. I've been kind of down lately because I'm realizing that theatre is becoming less and less apart of my life. I've contacted an acting coach and she told me that she really wanted to work with me....but her prices are 60.00 for an HOUR!! That's way too much. So I don't know what I'm going to do right now. I cried a lot yesterday...thinking about theatre and what I need to do....and I was also reminded of someone. It's summer time now and last year around this time I spent hours on the computer everyday talking to one person...I obviously don't spend hours on the computer anymore, but when I'm reminded of the feeling that person gave me, it makes me sad. And then I spent weeks preparing myself (emotionally) to go visit him, and I'm remembering the excitement of the trip and just how magical the whole experience was for me. Too bad it's just a short story with out an "they lived happily ever after" ending. I always wanted a fairy tale experience..and he made it happen...but no one lives that kind of life, right? :
ON A LIGHTER NOTE: I'm excited about working again and hopefully getting with a coach and vocal instructor. I'm ready to make some good money, pay my expenses that are due, and save up some money to take a vacation. I would love to go to Massachusetts again this summer....it's so beautiful there. I haven't drank in a long time because I'm still reminded of myself throwing up half the night and next day. I haven't really been smoking that much either with the exception of the night before last...I kind of don't like smoking anymore. It makes me stupid, and I can't think and I forget things very quickly. Like the other night, I watched Peter Pan and Camp..I have NO idea what happened in Peter Pan. I can't recall any of it. The only reason I remember Camp is because it was about Theatre Camp and I'm such a theatre geek that I cried through the whole movie. So I guess it's just been a pretty emotional past couple of days for me. I'll get it back together though. I'm going to go to Knoxville some time soon and find this Ryan Phillippe looking guy so I can turn him straight (in my dreams)..hey, anything can happen right???
That's all for now folks!!
9th May 2004
well, well would you look at that...
: Which Family Guy character are you?
So today was mother's day..and what did I do? Slept! I was SOOO tired from last night. I didn't even do anything but smoke a little and that wasn't even BAD! I was so glad that I did not take a SIP of alcohol. Anyway, I'm going to go get ready for bed now, I have to wake up tomorrow and go look for a job and also buy my mother a mother's day gift. OOPS!
8th May 2004
i'm starting to think clearly...
so, i really fucked up in college this year, my fault. i'm just not happy right now, i'm not happy that i fucked up my college, i'm not happy that i'm not in theater, i'm not happy at home, and i'm not happy alone. i feel like i've become this bitter bitch to be around. after an argument with my mother tonight she sent my step father up to my room to talk to me. i cried my eyes out to him as i told him that i was miserable, that i hate my mother, and that i hate school and i'm only happy when i'm with my friends. we had one of the longest most emotional talks ever. and i think i figured out what i want to do for now. i've already written an email to a man that i met in the atlanta airport that runs a theater company in nashville, people's branch theatre, ever heard of them? anyway, this man told me that i should audition for his company and that he would coach me and i didn't take his offer because i was starting school and was advised not to get a coach. since i'm not in school right now, and i didn't learn shit while i was there, i am now ready to get with this coach guy and get some shit together with my acting abilites. I also want to get with a vocal instructor and work on my voice and make it stronger and more "broadway like" because that is my biggest dream. so right now i've decided that this is what i want to do for this summer and i want to work a lot and make good money and be apart of REAL theater. ...because theater is what makes me live...of course i will make time for my boys this summer because i know without them i will be just as unhappy. i love you guys so much, you mean the world to me...i'm going to go to sleep now.
2nd May 2004
so last night was A MESS! i had 4 shots of tequilla before i went to the club and then another 4 while i was there! i was TRASHED. i made out with one of my girls that i hang out with at the club..i made out with gay boys that i didn't even know...and i made out with one of my good friends too. i spent half the night throwing up at the club and then all the way home from the club. my friends were telling me things that i did, drinks i drank, things i said, that i don't even recall. the girl that i made out with...yeah, she wanted to sleep with me and when she actually asked me to, i was like "oh my god, no!" i danced my ass off last night, and i don't even really remember it. i barely could hold my balance, what a fuck up! i hate tequilla from now on. ryan came in to get blake's keys after daniel had taken me home with him and ryan knelt down beside me holding me because he knew i had been throwing up all night, and he was the bar tender, and said "no more tequilla, ok" and i said "ok" and he said "we'll do a rum night one night" and i said "ok"...sickening what i got myself into!!
28th April 2004
where to begin....
SO when you are apart of the gay world..2 weeks seem more like 2 months. SO much happens in such a small amount of time and it's hard to remember all the drama because most of it was stupid. Starting from Easter sunday..ok blake got wicked pissed at me for asking ryan to go to kiss with me, he was also mad that I gave ryan's ex, garland, my phone number. I was miserable for about 3 or 4 days, however long it lasted...and then blake and I resolved our conflict over a quarter of a roll. that was the best roll that I've ever taken, it was so much fun. so the next morning I brought blake back home and when ryan woke up he was so pissed. he was still pissed at me and started crying. the night before we all had our crying moments. ryan told me that he didn't want to talk to me for a few days and I was crying on the phone with him, he felt bad so he came over to see me. I thought we had everything straightened out until blake called me and told me to stop being all dramatic and then told me to leave him and ryan alone for awhile. blake called me back like 5 minutes later and told me not to take the roll because he knew that I was upset and he cared about me, so I told him that I wouldn't. he then called again about 10 minutes later and asked me if he would come pick me up if I would come over and hang out with him, I was afraid that joey and daniel would get upset if I left them for blake because they always get on to me about playing favorites or whatever, so I told blake no. He got really pissed because he was obviously upset and wanted to get it taken care of with me. so I left immediately and went over there...with the half of a roll in my purse (just in case). blake and I had a good talk and most of the time we didn't even have to talk...we just looked at each other and knew...so the next day after blake and I rolled and ryan stopped crying and blake and ryan had make up sex, we went to the park and the water fall. it was a nice day. right now things couldn't be better with the three of us. it's really really nice. blake cried to me the other day because he was tired and almost ready to break up with ryan. I sat there and cried to blake because I didn't want him to break up with ryan because I knew that it would ruin BOTH of them and I didn't want blake to leave town. I took ryan to mt. juliet with me that day so blake could have the day to himself. ryan and I had a good ol time hanging out with my sister, listening to music, getting high, and eating. I saw my ex boyfriend at my dad's house too and ryan thought he was hot. lol....beyond the gay world...my life really sucks. I HAVE to find a job! I have like no money and I'm starting to get scared because my parents really suck at being parents. whenever I leave blake and ryan's and come back home, it's like reality hits me. I'm coming home from vacation and then realize that all the bills are piled up and I haven't been working so there isn't a pay check there to pay them! ugh!...I've also stopped going to my classes which isn't good at all...I'm doing a short play right now, which should probably get my head back into theatre mode instead of pot, ex, and alcohol..it's just going to take some time for me to get back on track......
11th April 2004
So it's Easter Sunday and after a long night last night (til 5 in the morning) I had to wake up and go to church with my mom and step dad. Mass was really nice, I got tears in my eyes as I watched the babies being baptized. I'm glad I went. After mass was over my parents and I went to IHOP where I had the best breakfast ever. My tummy is full now, and I'm so tired from last night that I need to take a nap. :
Last night a girl from my work was supposed to go out to connections with me..she brought 4 other straight people with her, two being homophobic guys. It was such a mess, her friends were so bitchy and negative and it was really starting to get on my last nerve. I had to show them how to get there and because they made me go to gallatin to meet them first, I had to go toward downtown from an unfamiliar direction. To make a long story short..they were following me, I took a wrong turn, they got there and I got lost for about 45 minutes in the worst part of town possible. I wouldn't even get out of my car because when I stopped at a gas station to ask where I was...there were about 10 gansta black guys and homeless people standing around and one homeless person came to my window and scared the shit out of me. When we finally did make it to connections her friends were bitching so much..they couldn't appreciate the club for what it was just because all they looked at it was a gay place. So I pretty much lost them and later on that night I was told that they left and to be honest..I was glad. I loved seeing Ryan, Josef, Matt, and Mark though..they made my night better since I went through hell to get there and ALL of MY boys were at home. Blake didn't come out because he was asleep, Daniel was in chattanooga, Mikael was doing something with Blake I guess, and Clark just didn't want to come out. But don't even think that I didn't dance my happy little ass off by myself. There was this one guy who danced wicked awesome and I started dancing with him for awhile, he was so cute, and then he tells me that he is Ryan's ex...the one who cheated on him..needless to say, Ryan was NOT happy about me dancing with him, OOPS. After the night was over, Mark and I waited on Ryan to get off of work in the parking lot. Mark met the coolest guy and he was hanging out with him for awhile. When Ryan came out he got into a spat with Blake, and I was very upset because I was caught in the middle of it. I guess that's just the shit that one has to deal with if you are going to be a couple's best friend. You have to hear it from BOTH sides and you can't really take either one...unless you really feel that one is right and the other is wrong. In this case, last night, however, I kind of felt like they both had pretty good points so it was really tough for me because I didn't know what to say at all.
It felt SOOOOOOO good to dance last night. I went out and bought some really comfortable shoes just to wear to the club to dance in, so I moved so well last night. Several people came up to me just to tell me how much they loved watching me dance. Every time I go dancing it's a performance for me, so I love hearing stuff like that.
Time for my nap! I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, or shall I say this morning.
10th April 2004
Well I just got home from work and I am exhausted. I don't understand why, it's either because of all the awful stuff I eat from being high and getting the munchies..or it's from getting a full 8 and a half hours of sleep last night, which hasn't happened in a long time. My mom just had another bitch fit because I'm going out tonight, like she doesn't know that I go out every saturday. She told me that I could give up this one and stay home and I was like "uhh..I've stayed home a bunch lately, you're never here when I am" I'm so tired of her shit, I really really am. That woman puts me through it, I swear. So anyway, I'm going out tonight and I think it's going to be a good time. A girl from my work is meeting me at Logan's and we are going to smoke a little and then head out to connections. This will be her first time going to a gay club, so I'm excited for her. A part of me wants to go to the after hour club, but then the logical part of me says I have to go to church in the morning for Easter Sunday. Not that the Easter Bunny will bring me anything this year because "he" thinks that I go out too much and "he" is going to try and teach me a "lesson." I really hate my life. I don't understand why my parents are acting like over possessive freaks. So what if I like to go dancing, it keeps me in some what of shape. I don't see what the big fuss is over. It's just ONE night a week...get over it! May be that's why I drink and smoke pot so much...it makes me forget or not exactly forget, but not care about all the SHIT that goes on in my life. Seriously, I go through some stupid ass shit that I don't need right now at all. I get shit from my parents night and day every day, I suck in school and I hate going, I'm not doing anything in theatre, I chase a boy that I will never have because he's in massachusetts..and oh yeah, he's gay, my job sucks ass and I don't make that much money because I don't really have the extra time to work, I'm always worried about my friends because I think they are falling into drugs too much, and oh yeah, did I mention that my life SUCKS??? :
If I keep typing anymore I'm just going to get even more pissed, so I'm going to jump off here now and go try and find some comfortable shoes to go dancing in....later.
7th April 2004
well today I slept in (again) and didn't go to my choir class. I just finished writing both my choral director and my english professor apologies for missing class. It hasn't really gotten much better at home either, my mom had a bitch fit last night because it was 10 o'clock and I was still out...what the hell? so back to today, it was nasty outside so I watched tv all day and then FINALLY got up and went to the tanning bed and got my hair cut. I'm just kind of feeling sorry for myself right now because I feel like I look fat and I'm not that attractive,...yeah yeah everyone always says that they think I'm hot, but sometimes I think that they are just saying that to be nice. I just need to get my ass back into shape, I just don't want to do the work that goes along with it. :
The other night was Clark's birthday and we had SOO SOOO SOOOOO much fun! I did not sleep that night one bit, therefore I was exhausted last night...which explains why I slept in today. I know that I party a lot or whatever (in some people's eyes)..but I can't stop, it's like a hard drug, I'm addicted to it. I don't want to stop really, because I'm having so much fun with it.
Saturday night Ryan is off of work and it's Josef's birthday. I asked Ryan if we were going to connections again, because we usually go because he's working, and he's like "we may go to Kentucky and go to that connections" and I said, "I'm not going to Kentucky" and he said "girl, don't even think that you're getting out of it. it's my only night off and YOU are going to be there, where ever we go"...so I don't know what's going on for saturday. whatever we do though, it will be so much fucking fun.
In two weeks Daniel and I are going to meet these twin brothers from massachusetts...one is gay and one is straight, haha. I just wish that a certain someone was coming down with them..that would make it SO worth it.....well my mom wants to use the computer right now, so I'm going to get off.
5th April 2004
later that night...
So I went to connections to watch Mark perform and to see my boys. Can I just say that Mark makes one kick ass drag!! He was SO good or should I say "SHE"..lol. Anyway, we didn't dance with him though, because there wasn't enough time to get it together, I was relieved because I'm so wicked tired from last night. Like literally, I have not been to bed yet. So, I left connections a little bit early so I could go to sleep, OH and OH my God, Daniel finally came home! and he came out to see Blake, Ryan, and me. We all hung out with Josef (cutie) and it was a cute night. I was really glad to see Daniel too, because I've missed him the past two weeks. I can't wait until next saturday already! Ryan is off of work for like the first time on a saturday, and it just happens to be Josef's birthday too......oh what a night it is going to be!..time for bed kiddies! muah.
4th April 2004
Last night was one of the best nights in a long time.....kind of. I had so much fun and the fun didn't really start until we got to Kiss. That club is so sickening it's not even funny. After we all took off our shoes, we could really break it down and we didn't want to leave..ever. But, we finally left at about 6:30 a.m. and I got home at about 8:30. Mark wants Blake, Ryan, and me to back up dance for his drag show tonight but I'm waiting to hear from him to find out what's going on. He said he wanted to choreograph a dance to "Toxic" which should be wicked hot. Anywho, I'm SOOO SOOO tired right now and can't really make sense of what I'm writing here, so I'm suggesting to myself that I go take a nap.
3rd April 2004
So, my mom is acting pretty cool now, I guess because I didn't go out last night and I called to let my parents know that I was trying to make it home by 12. She's weird. I'm going to connections tonight, of course, and I'm meeting up with a kid named Rusty and his friend, Amy, so I can find them some sponsors. I think tonight is going to be fun because Blake and I always walk around that place like we own it...and we turn EVERYone's head. Right now I'm just online checking to see what's new with everyone and I'm about to change into some sweats and go take a run around the block. I will then hop in the shower and get ready to head out to murfreesboro where I will chill with my wonderful best friends and then we will all get ready for the club tonight and go as one happy family! Tis a good day. To all of you NON clubbers, I hope you have a good night! muah...my mom is so cheap!
29th March 2004
today was a rainy day..not just outside, but in my life. I've been crying all day thinking about what worthy my life holds, my friends are great and supportive but my parents on the other hand see things differently. I've really fucked up. I promised myself that I was going to work so hard this semester in school...and then I met daniel..and then I met daniel's friends..and soon we were all inseparable. I've spent so much time with my friends and loving every minute of it, that I've blown off school. All I care about is theater, though, that's all I want to do and the only way for me to be apart of theater right now is to be in school...ugh! what to do! So for the past several weeks clubs, bars, alcohol, and marijuana have taken much of my time..and I hate to say it..but I've loved every bit of it, I really have, I'm having the time of my life, and then when I come home, back to reality, I wake up. Today was the day that I finally came out and told my parents (or my mom, rather) every thing I've been up to. I told my mom that I wasn't doing well in school, that I hate being home, she and my step dad make me miserable, I've been drinking and smoking pot, I love going to connections (gay club), my friends do drugs, and that I want to find a new job and move out...I told her all this through my hysteria of tears. And to top it off, I told her that I spent 81 dollars of her money on toilet trees for me at walmart today...she then stormed off and slammed the door. I came inside and said to her, "you know, all day I've been working up the courage to talk to you about these things, and you did exactly what I thought you were going to, thank you" so that's that..I honestly feel better though. I think if I would've waited another day to tell her what is going on with me, I would've shot myself..she's definitely not happy with me, of course, but at least she knows every thing and I don't have to feel guilty anymore, because the guilt was becoming very overwhelming. I'm glad I took blake and ryan's advice to talk to her. I love you guys. and thank you daniel, for listening to EVERY THING I just talked about earlier..I love you too. Now all that's left for me to do is to clean my room, do some laundry and awake to a brand new refreshing day. tomorrow night blake, ryan, and I are auditioning for some one-act plays, I'm so excited. I hope we all get cast together because that would be the shit! Wish me luck, or rather, Break a leg!!~meggie
28th March 2004
It seems as though I keep going for weeks with out writing what's going on, and then when I finally do write, I have so much to talk about that I can't remember every thing I have to say. So, now I'm just going to speak what is in my heart and on my mind.. I love my friends, oh my god, I never knew that I could love someone so much and not be IN love with them or be related to them.. it's only been a few weeks, but already these people have been inspiring, loving, wonderful people to me..and yet..I'm bothered. What bothers me so is the simple fact that I am judged by others, whether it be my family or just outsiders looking in, I am judged for having gay friends. Why? What's a friendship? It is neither race, nor sex, nor shape, size, or color, nor is it one's sexual preferrance..friendship is finding another person with whom you have a mutual understanding to love and care for one another through the good times and the bad. And what one of my friends taught me, is that friendship is being able to look into each other's eyes, not say anything at all, and still hold a conversation. wow, what a beautiful way to think. I honestly don't know what is wrong with me today. Perhaps I'm being emotional after a weekend of alcohol...perhaps I'm just tired of people looking at my wonderful friends and only seeing them as "gay" rather than as my soul mates...I'm told time and time "you are never going to find a boyfriend hanging out with a bunch of gay guys"..well you know what? has it ever occurred to you that may be I DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND?? or may be that right now that's not what I need in my life..I'm a big girl, when I'm ready for a relationship, I believe I'll know. and as of right now..I love every second that I am with my friends and if I happen to find a guy that is perfectly comfortable with the idea of gay men in his life..then great, but I'm not looking for it. Love finds you..you don't find love. have a nice night.
20th March 2004
WOW I haven't written in a long time! The reason for this simply is..I've been partying WAY TOO MUCH...I really feel like I have to slow down. I'm so scared and stressed right now. I'm so far behind in school and I don't want to talk to my parents about it..."ghee mom, I'm sorry I failed, I was too stoned"...ugh, I suck at life. I love hanging out with my friends though..it's like they add just enough drama to life to make it interesting and whenever you are going through drama...they're right there to help you through it. We have so much fun together too...sigh* well, on a lighter note, last weekend I performed in two 10 minute plays and they seemed to have gone very well with just enough mistakes to make your heart pound and keep the energy up..I had my own little fan club in the audience too, hehe..both nights, I love it...Ok, I really can't think or concentrate on anything right now because I'm so incredibly tired...may be I'll write tomorrow..I'll just leave you wondering.
1st March 2004
Your song is: Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. :
And I don't want the world to see me,
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
You're a very loving and caring person. The people you fall in love with always seem to lie to you. You're very intelligent, and you always look beyond what is seen.
--go figures that that song happened to be my ex boyfriend's song for me...huh, and he treated me like shit for 5 fuckin years.
this morning i was so incredibly tired that i decided to skip my psychology class..surprise, surprise..i was about 20 minutes late to my german class, but i don't think i missed much. just as i was leaving german class i was talking to a kid in my class whom also happens to be in my choir, we were both talking about how much we actually like choir this semester because bundage (the choral director) is actually acting like a choral director. i was really excited to go to choir, it was a nice day, warm, not too gloomy...every thing just seemed to be going nicely. in choir we were working on a new piece, we went over it a couple of times all together and then bundage wanted a quartet to sing the first phrase solo. he first asked for an alto to sing...he looked over in the alto section and while looking directly toward me said "are there any brave enough altos who think they can sing this perfectly without any mistakes that want to volunteer?" i tried to avoid eye contact with him and i was looking about me to see if anyone was going to give in to his intimidation. his eyes did not leave my face and i felt my cheeks get hot...he looked right at me and said "how about you?" and i looked behind me to see who he was talking to and then looked at him again and said "me?" and he said "uhhuh, fine".....i knew it was coming...i felt it. i have never sang solo in front of an SATB choir before, so i was so so nervous. after i finished singing with the other three parts i thought i was going to die and i just wanted to sit down and vanish from that moment...but no, he made us sing it a SECOND time..yay to my joy! i was mortified! so of course when i got to work tonight i had to make a big dramatic deal about my choral experience today. i'm kind of glad that it happened..he usually picks people to sing that he knows are really good to be an "example" to all the others in choir..so i just think that he wanted to actually HEAR me sing because he really doesn't know what my voice sounds like..so now it's over and done with and if it ever happens again i won't feel like just a goon and i'll be able to do what i need to do properly. well, i'm going to outline my chapter for my english test tomorrow..so i guess i'll write again tomorrow night after my rehearsals..i can't wait to rehearse again!
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